Aaron Burr and the Mechanical Horse

John F. Kennedy's 2nd trip to the moon in 1960, during which he made his famous mechanical unicorn ride, is pretty well-established in the canon of American History, but it's no surprise that the history books have taken some liberties with the details of this notable event. Some historians would have you believe that Charlie, the mechanical unicorn ridden by Kennedy as pictured below, was the product of a group of NASA scientists attempting to design a vehicle that could not only handle the rocky terrain but also be left on the moon and remotely controlled to take satellite photos for study. While it's true that NASA did in fact fit Charlie with more than a few upgrades including the signature horn used to monitor possible radiation on the moon, the famous unicorn was in fact originally a mechanical horse designed and built by none other than Aaron Burr in 1789.



Burr, most commonly known as the man who shot and killed Alexander Hamilton in their infamous duel, was also considered an avid equestrian during his day. In truth, Burr was actually disgusted by the smell of horse manure as well as terrified of falling from the back of a spooked horse, having suffered an injury as a child when he was thrown from a pony that saw a snake. However, one fact about Burr that was not widely publicized was that he was an excellent mechanic. In an age where machinery was fairly rare and usually very bulky and simple, Burr's spent many evenings tinkering in his cellar on contraptions so exquisitely crafted they would put many modern marvels to shame.

Burr's favorite hobby was crafting mechanical animals. His creatures ranged from small rabbits and squirrels that could be wound up to move and even make noise, to larger creations including a dog and a life-sized giraffe based on one he had seen as part of a French nobleman's private collection years earlier. In 1789, Burr's love for riding and tinkering merged in what is his longest lasting if not all-around greatest work, Charlie the horse. This wind up mechano-horse took 7 months to build, and supported the weight of a 180lb man. Almost unbelievably, if properly wound (a process that took 2 men several hours to complete), Charlie could run at a gallop for over 20 miles. Burr in fact won several races before losing the horse in a poker game to a man named John Nash in 1802.

From there history gets a little hazy as it often does. To be honest, we are not sure where Charlie traveled in the years following his parting with Aaron Burr, but we do know that the horse resurfaced in 1954 when it was purchased by the Kennedy family in an estate sale. The fact that it was still in such pristine and working condition is considered to be one of the original inspirations for the space program, evidenced by JFK's one-time quote "We are the new cowboys. Where they rode into the sunset, we choose to go to the moon." Thus we establish the origin behind Charlie's inclusion in Kennedy's famous ride, solidifying once again the rippling impact our founding generations have had throughout history.

Cheers,
The Lost and Founders

The Bachelor: A Midnight Ride

The first televised episode of The Bachelor aired in 2002, but the roots of this popular American reality series go back much further; specifically, to 1773 when Paul Revere set out on a journey to find true love.

“The bachelorettes are coming!”


After the death of his first wife earlier that year, Revere responded to an ad for colonial bachelors: “Date 25 of the Colonies’ hottest bachelorettes and propose to the lady of your dreams!” Turns out he was the only bachelor that applied. And the only person who failed to read the fine print: “Sign here to grant The Bachelor producers full rights to record every moment of your life from this day forward and to enlist yourself to any and all Revolutionary efforts requested of you.”

When Paul showed up in Boston for his first day as The Bachelor he was surprised to see that it wasn't 25 women as promised, but a mere 3: Rachel, Martha and Courtney. (A fourth bachelorette applied to participate, but was turned down) And instead of 3 months of courting, the producers decided that one week and one Rose Ceremony would be sufficient.

On the first group date, Paul and his three potential brides spent the day in Salem, Massachusetts, where they reenacted the Salem Witch Trials. Paul was captivated by Courtney's very convincing performance. However, Rachel made the most lasting first impression by showing off her horseback riding talents during their trip back to Boston.

While relaxing at the Bachelor Mansion later in the week, Paul received disconcerting news regarding one of the bachelorettes: Martha was allegedly already married to another man. When Paul confronted her about this rumor, Martha broke down, sobbing, and admitted she had recently tied the knot. She had been feeling neglected by her husband and hoped that by coming on The Bachelor she would be distracted from troubles at home. Martha was sent back to her husband in Virginia promptly after this confession, leaving Paul with just two eligible brides from which to choose.

At the end of the week Paul weighed his options carefully before heading to the The Rose Ceremony. While it was a tough decision, The Final Rose went to Rachel, who became Mrs. Revere the following week. 

The Revere's planned a honeymoon trip to celebrate their marriage, but unfortunately the War and Paul's accidental enlistment had caught up with them and Paul was sent off for another Midnight Ride.

"...One if by land, and two if by sea; And I on the opposite shore will be, Ready to ride and spread the alarm..."  -Love poem recited by Paul Revere to Rachel as he departed for the Revolutionary War

Dolley Madison: She Wore the Pants

A month ago, our readers were exposed to a story that involved Dolley Madison punting a living wolf from the roof top of Monticello. We here at Lost and Founders had no way of knowing that this fascinating anecdote would lead to revolutionary breakthroughs in our perception of Madison that rival even the startling realization that Jefferson’s dining room was in fact painted yellow, and not the shade of baby blue that scholars had envisioned for nearly a century.

Until now, Dolley Madison’s name has been synonymous with the birth of Washington, D.C. as we know it. We hear of her extravagant parties, of how she cooled even the most heated of bipartisan squabbles with homemade ice cream, of her buoyant optimism, and of course, of how she saved Washington’s portrait from the fire that burned down the executive mansion. She was brave, dedicated, heroic, cheerful, and… a power-hungry monster who, restrained as she was by societal expectations and gender roles, achieved greatness by controlling her frail husband like a puppeteer does a doll. Modern scholarship will attempt to suppress reality for fear of tarnishing the founding, but in our continual efforts to portray the real truth, we will attempt to show Mrs. Madison as she really was.

Dolley was born to the Payne family of Virginia in 1768. She was raised a strict Quaker, and thus, endured a childhood that was just about as lively as a bowl of oatmeal. In 1790, she married a well-to-do lawyer and had two children. Just as everything seemed to be falling into place, and just as a simple uneventful life seemed imminent, we see the first manifestation of the TRUE Dolley Pain Payne. In 1793 a bout of “Yellow Fever” conveniently broke out in Philadelphia, conveniently killing off her husband and son, and conveniently leaving her single and ready to mingle (to use a common expression of the time) with a certain 5’ 4’’ congressman who conveniently had achieved great fame by writing a lil somthin’ somethin’ we refer to as the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.

According to the history books, Dolley was expelled from the Society of Friends when she married Madison, an Episcopalian. At Lost and Founders, we think that the Quakers knew what was up. Dolley, who allegedly was sick with the fever at the same time as her husband conveniently survived and recovered just in time to court the lonely Mr. Madison. Convenience aside, James was also shy, sickly, and short. Contemporaries referred to him in private as “Little Jimmy” and Henry S. once famously said of him “He’s an anchovy”. At 43, Madison was 17 years her senior, and when we consider this along with evidence that suggests that Dolley was “a total babe” we are naturally left with sinister conclusions.

Just before her wedding, Dolley Madison notoriously quoted “There is a secret in life, better than anything a fortune teller can reveal. We all have a great hand in the forming of our own destiny.” Boy did she have a hand in forming her destiny. We understand that many readers, horrified by the accusations being brought against our first real First Lady, will refuse to accept that she was both a murderer and a grave-robber. We would like to reassure you, she wasn’t just a murderer and grave-robber, she was also an arsonist.

In 1926 The Evening Independent published an article stating: “If Dolly Madison were alive today, she would have been classed as a flapper. . . . She was frivolous, used rouge, dipped snuff, and . . . played cards for high stakes. . . . Quite another sort...” Furthermore, it is crucial to consider the reality that she wore a turban. In our experience, people who wear turbans and have no legitimate religious reason to do so tend to use them as a means of hiding something way sinister within the folds of the fabric… like Lord Voldemort

.

During the Madison administration, Dolley would tackle the War of 1812, domestic insurrection, and a fledging economy; meanwhile James would furnish the White House, plan social gatherings, and churn the famous ice cream for which his wife received all the credit. In 1814, during one of her customary fits of rage (this time set off by her dislike of the bright velvet curtains James had chosen for the family room) Dolley set fire to the executive mansion. With just enough time to secure the portrait of colonial heartthrob George Washington, Dolley managed to escape shouting “The British Are Coming!! The British Are Coming!!” James, scared as he was of his wife, went along with the story fooling generations of scholars into believing that the British burned down the White House.

We wish this weren’t all true; however, it is our solemn duty to inform you that it is. Dolley was a woman born way ahead of her time, constrained and restricted by society’s perceptions of a woman’s place. She did what she had to do, hurdling over…hurdles..? achieving her goals, her dreams, and her full potential. And let’s be honest. She was a total badass.

The Founders vs Internet Censorship

Unless you're new to this internet thing, you are probably aware by now that Congress has been debating for some time two bills to combat internet piracy under the names SOPA (Stop Online Piracy Act - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stop_Online_Piracy_Act) and PIPA (Protect IP Act - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PROTECT_IP_Act). The internet has been up in arms about these proposed bills almost since their inception, stating (and rightly so) that they amount to censorship, invasion of privacy, and would quite possibly throw the internet as we know and love it into a destructive spiral. If by some chance you are still unfamiliar with these acts and their implications, we strongly encourage you to take a moment to check out the links above and get up to speed.

At Lost and Founders we take great pride and pleasure in being able to deliver historically accurate tales of heroism by the founders of these United States. Though its been said quite a few times by much more influential people this point, we would like throw whatever weight we have behind the ongoing movement and state publicly that although we recognize the important of stopping true internet piracy, we disagree with Congress' proposed solution and believe it would in fact do more harm than good. As historians, we are also afforded unusual insight into how the founders would have handled the myriad of tricky political situations in today's civil society, and surprisingly enough there this is not the first time in history that the threat of censorship has come up. Take a look at some powerful words from none other than former President Abraham Lincoln and then consider letting your representatives in Congress know that if Lincoln would not have been ok with SOPA/PIPA then you aren't either.


"A friend is one who has the same enemies as you have." - Abraham Lincoln, 1845


"Allow the president to invade a neighboring business, whenever he shall deem it necessary to repel an act of piracy, and you allow him to do so whenever he may choose to say he deems it necessary for such a purpose - and you allow him to make war at pleasure." - Abraham Lincoln, 1863


"Avoid censorship if you would have peace." - Abraham Lincoln, 1863


"Discourage government intervention in the business of the common man. Persuade your representatives to vote against bad policy whenever you can. As a lawmaker the congressman has superior opportunity of making himself known through foolish support of regulation. There will still be business enough." Abraham Lincoln, 1862


"Don't interfere with anything on the internet. That must be maintained, for it is the only safeguard of our liberties." Abraham Lincoln, 1856

The Thomas Jefferson Version of Winnie the Pooh : The Jeffer-Poo

Recently there has been a great deal of press about The Jefferson Bible. Tarcher, part of Penguin books, is publishing a new edition  this month. While many news stations feel it pertinent to cover the story of The Jefferson Bible, we here at Lost and Founders continuously strive to tell you the untold stories. Stories about Jefferson's Bible are a dime a dozen. Search on google and you'll find hundreds...thousands even. We did some deeper digging and discovered something far more dark.

The Bible was not the only book that Jefferson decided to 'cut apart'. After extensive research where we cross referenced books that were in our personal libraries against books that were impossibly hypotheitically capable of being in Jefferson's library we were able to discover some other books that Jefferson cut up. After reading Jefferson's version of 'The Hungry Hungry Caterpiller' we, quite literally, thought that it was his way of making the book more digestable; easier to consume. As 'The Hungry Hungry Caterpillar' was the only book that featured circular cuts we were quickly able to determine that it was an anomoly.

As 'The Guardian' notes: "The third US president's unwillingness to swallow miracles such as the virgin birth led him to cut out parts of the Gospels he did not agree with and compile his own version." It was this that got us started on the right path. It wasn't the Bible that Jefferson was looking at cutting apart, it was miracles. In Jefferson's day the genre of 'Miracle' books are what we would term today as High Fantasy or Science Fiction. Jefferson was making a very literaturagical statement with his cuttings. He was showing his distaste and condomenation of all things fantasmagorical.

It was through this line of thinking that we were lead to The Jeffer-Poo. Or Jefferson's version of Winnie the Pooh. Jefferson initially read Winnie the Pooh and was outraged. Stuffed animals becoming living and breathing characters. It was outrageous, it needed to be stopped. It was at this point that Jefferson rode on the back of his Cockatrice to the local supermarket where he purchased sugar-free Red Bull, a bottle of Rum and Gummy Bears. He soaked the gummy bears in the rum and proceeded to guzzle the sugar-free Red Bull. After slamming the can down and consuming 14 of the intoxicating gummy bears Jefferson slipped into a Maddened craze. He pulled out his copy of Winnie the Pooh and furiously began cutting and stripping out fantastical sections.

It was on this page that Jefferson had his greatest outburst (his notes are below):



'I mean come on. A teddy bear talking to a teddy donkey. What is this Disneyland? Nobody believes this crap anyways.' Unfortunately for Jefferson, in his Red Bull and rum induced excitement he had trimmed the picture to closely. He actually cut off Eeyore's original tail. The drama didn't end there. Washington was in town visiting the next morning and saw Jefferson's Recut photo. Washinton immediatly broke into hysterics. He looked at Jefferson, laughed and asked 'Seriously Tom, haven't you seen a donkey before, you know they have tails right?' Confused, Jefferson looked at the picture and tried to explain to Washington that the night before he had been taken a cockatrice to the supermarket and proceeded to trip out on a Red Bull/rummy bear induced haze. Jefferson thought that all was well until his birthday on April 13th.

Everyone was in attendance, Washington, Madison, Monroe, Adams even made the horseride down for the occasion. Little did he know Washington had devised a little game that none of them were willing to miss. It was then that Washington created what have come to know as 'Pin the Tail on the Donkey'. He proceeded to explain 'that T. Jizz had riding a cockamimi, or something or other, while drinking the urine of a red bull and eating bears that had been turned to jelly, and it was during this time that ol' Tommy Boy came up with this idea that donkey's don't have tails.' As a way to test TJ's knowledge of where a donkey's tail goes, they blindfolded him, handed him a donkey's tail and told him to pin it to his ass. Considering that they had pre-gamed with Washington's Rye Whiskey this game became quite entertaining as they chased one another around Monticello trying to 'pin tails' on one another. The boys took true pleasure in sending Jefferson the following photos on his birthday as a yearly reminder of his blunder.


In a letter from Adams to Jefferson, 1825
Tom,
I've lost my tail, can you help me find it. What an idiot! Gah, idiot! Of course donkey's have tails.
Happy Birthday bro!
Johnny A.


In a letter from George Washington to Thomas Jefferson 1820:

T-Jizz,
Did you know that donkeys are actually born with bowties on their tails? Romans initially hypothesized that they learned how to tie bowties at a very young age, but we all know that would be impossible. Seriously though, do you like that picture? I did some extra copies so you can cut them out for next time we play 'pin the ass.'
Georgie Porgie
PS Don't take this as an opportunity to say shit about that cherry tree. I will end you if I hear a peep about a 'tree falling in the forest, will a politician write policy' joke. Jk. Jk. But seriously.


In a letter from James Madison to Thomas Jefferson - 1816:

Teedge,
I figured you would need something to cheer yourself up for the birthday. It's even in color, wook at that wittle face, he's soooo cute. I CAN HAZ TAIL BACK?! or YOU LOOKING AT MY BUM?
Happy Birthday man!

Mad I 'aint yo' son.

Founder's Choice Awards

Last night marked the 2012 edition of the People's Choice Awards, yet another televised pageant in what seems to be an endless number of award shows that air throughout the year in the states for everything from movies to video games to probably many other things that don't make it on to the major networks - truly we are a people who take great pride in being proud of our own accomplishments.

As noted historians, people often send us letters asking how we got to this point and why these shows are so popular. We will answer these questions in today's history lesson where we will attempt to explain the origin of the award show in America, starting with an event in 1783 known as the Founder's Choice Awards.

In April of 1783, hostilities between the newly independent United States of America and Great Britain were coming to a close and the story of the The Revolutionary War was being wrapped up for the history books. It was a time of celebration in the former colonies; historians imagine there would have been quite a lot of back-slapping in particular as was made popular as a gesture of goodwill during war time. In the midst of countless parties being thrown all over the east coast, the young Congress decided an official ceremony was in order to honor the men and women who made the Revolutionary War a success. They began compiling a list of names and quickly realized that it would take several days to get through everyone and decided it made more sense to cut the number down and only honor the absolute best from a series of categories. The consensus was that an event like this would last about three hours including speeches from the organizers, honorees, and a musical performance by John Hancock and the Liberty Belles. 

                                       

The founder then put their new democratic process through its trials through continuous voting on categories as well as honorees. In the first year of the award show, only Congress voted, but in future years the voting became more interactive and the states were polled by way of a pamphlet published through Benjamin Franklin's print shop (Editor's note: this was also the inspiration for both the famous Gallup public opinion polls and the American census).

After the votes were tallied and preparations made, the 1783 Founder's Choice Awards took place on May 2nd in the Philadelphia town hall building. The now infamous "red carpet" of modern award shows was actually the left over fabric from one of Betsy Ross' unused versions of the national flag. According to historic accounts it was extremely cold and rainy that night and so the material was placed on the ground at the entrance to the hall to keep honorees from stepping in the mud. I guess you could say the tradition "stuck."

                                   

In the end, though there were no small amount of lighting blunders (the entire place was lit by candlelight), costume mishaps, and distasteful jokes on the part of a drunk Benjamin Franklin in particular, the show was considered a huge success. Honorees were awarded small busts of George Washington giving a thumbs up sign and there was supposedly an enormous amount of clapping which interestingly enough was at the time NOT a sign of approval but rather the audience's attempt to cover up an honoree's speech that had gone on too long. The "Foundie's were given out annually for the next several decades, evolving over time into what we now call the Tony Awards (the obvious similarity between Founder's Choice and People's Choice is actually pure coincidence).

So there you have it once again - the origin of the modern day award show was actually based on a Revolutionary War era experiment in democracy and celebration. For those interested we have included what we believe is a partial list of the categories and awards that were handed out that first year to give you an idea of just how much (or moreso how little) the modern day award shows have progressed:

Most Creative Art Direction

Benjamin Franklin, "Join or Die" 

Most Quotable Speech

Rev. John Mayhew, "No taxation without representation" from a Boston sermon

Best Musical Score

Minutemen dressed as British Regulars performing march, Battle of Saratoga

Best Choreography in a Training Program

Baron Fredreich Wilhelm Von Steuben, Valley Forge

Best Costume Design

Jean-Baptiste Donatien de Vimeur, comte de Rochambeau

Best Comedic Performance in a Military Action

Thomas Hardwick, Battle of Concord

Best Kiss

John Francis and Elizabeth Huntinton, After the Battle of Lexington

Best Set Design

John Trumbull, Yorktown

Best General, Best Pose for a Painting

Gen. George Washington, crossing the Delaware

Out and In for 1811: The Lost and Founders Edition

We take the coming and going of the New Year very seriously in America (and at Lost and Founders, obvi). Historically, the dawn of a New Year is a time for reflection on the past year’s events and a time to resolve to make better for the future.   Each year the Washington Post, a truly American publication, reveres the New Year by listing the official “Out” and “In” List for the year. 


Many of you have probably assumed that The List is a trend of the 21st century; but, like most great American traditions, The List began in our country’s founding days. In fact, this year marks the 200th anniversary of the first “Out” and “In” list ever published in America! So, to celebrate 2012, we’re giving you an inside look at what was going “Out” in 1811 and coming “In” in 1812:


Out: Wigs
In: Natural Curls


Out: Sexism
In: Slavery


Out: Non-Intercourse with Great Britain 
In: The War of 1812


Out: Corporal Punishment
In: Signing your kids up for the draft


Out: Generic Ales
In: Microbrews


Out: State Flags
In: State flora and fauna


Out: Lewis cock-blocking Clark across America
In: Louisiana, admitted as the 18th state on April 30, 1812


Out: Fairly apportioned political districts
In: Gerrymandering


Out: Words with Founding Fathers
In: Hanging with Founding Fathers


Out: Talking about the Napoleonic Wars
In: Talking about Napoleon’s height


Out: Horse-drawn carriages
In: Horse-drawn lawn mowers


Out: The New England Colonies
In: The Jersey Shore


Out: Puritanism
In: Tebowism


While the "Outs" and "Ins" have changed significantly since the Founders first rang in the New Year, reflecting on each New Year is a long-standing American tradition that we at Lost and Founders will always honor. Cheers to 2012 and to the Freakin Weekend.