Lonely Island finds inspiration in Founder

Andy Samberg was definitely not the first man to utter the phrase “I’m on a boat, mother f&*$#@%, don’t you ever forget”. Nor was T-Pain the first to f@#$ a mermaid while travelling the “big, blue watery road”. Today we attribute these words to the 3-man band known as The Lonely Island, but do we really believe that three comedians and an auto-tuned rapper came up with these poetic expressions about life at sea:  When’s the last time you even heard about someone who traveled by boat - a boat that didn’t come with all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp and complimentary spa treatment? Exactly.

We’re here to tell you that the Lost secrets of sea life have finally been Found - in a diary dating back to 1492, when America’s first Father sailed the ocean blue. Christopher Columbus may not be lumped in the traditional group of Founding Fathers, but his journey to America paved the way for a whole pack of Broseidons: Washington, Jefferson, Adams, and the rest of the Founding Father gang. Columbus’s poem, “I’m on a Boat”, actually provided crucial guidance for the Puritan ships that sailed to America in the following century. Here’s a brief but poignant excerpt:

“Oh shit, get your towels ready 

It's about to go down  

Everybody in the place hit the fucking deck
But stay on your motherfucking toes
We running this, let's go”

Without this advice, who knows how many people would’ve actually made it safely ‘cross the Atlantic to Amurrica? Columbus, here's to you for discovering the best country in the world while sporting flippie-floppies.