"As we enjoy great advantages from the inventions of others, we should be glad of the opportunity provided to serve self-interest when Al Gore created the internet; and we should also thank Mark Zuckerburg and Jack Dorsey for creating Facebook and Twitter out of the kindness of their big hearts and not the thinness of their small wallets."
-Ben Franklin, Autobiography (1742)

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Abe Lincoln Day 2: Lincoln and the Oracle

We continue Lincoln Week here at Lost and Founders with a brief but historically imperative account concerning a few little known facts on the infamous Lincoln assassination. We all know the date April 15, 1865, that fateful night at Ford's theater that shocked the nation - well, most of the nation. The truth is John Wilkes Booth and his cowardly cohorts were not the only ones aware that night that the wind of change was coming.

It was October of 1864. President Lincoln was 55 years old and his many decades of mixed martial arts training had left him a powerhouse in the political arena as he had once been in the combat arena. His political enemies had already made several failed attempts to kidnap the President in hopes of influencing his increasingly controversial decisions in the Civil War and tension was high in Washington. It was for this reason that Lincoln made his first and only trip to the Oracle, an uncommonly old sooth-sayer who lived in the foothills of Shenendoah Valley, Virginia and who was known to provide cryptic advice to several founding fathers in times of need.

No one knows for sure what Lincoln asked, or what the Oracle told him, but from the following statement,  made to one of his advisor's upon leaving the Oracle's shack, we can infer that he asked for advice on what to do about the schism between the North and South and was made privy to knowledge of his own death:

"The Best thing about the future is that we can know exactly what is going to happen. I will unite this nation under one banner, even if it means I must die as the direct result of a gunshot wound within a year." 
- Abraham Lincoln, October 14th, 1864.

From this statement and the subsequent events that transpired just 6 months later, we believe that not only did the Oracle predict Lincoln's death, but that Lincoln attended Ford's Theater that April night knowing that he would be shot because he had seen the future and knew that the only way to bring warring factions together into a true United States would come about in the aftermath of his death. 

We hope this has a positive impact on those of you who were unaware of this bit of history. Truly Lincoln was  an even more courageous Founding Father than history gives him credit for. For more information, take a look at "The Matrix" film series. The trilogy is a sci-fi adventure set in an alternate future that was loosely adapted from Abraham Lincoln's presidency. 

We'll be back tomorrow with more exciting history of the great Lincoln so stay tuned!

Monday, May 30, 2011

Abe Lincoln Day 1: Resident President Bad-Ass

Today starts a 5-day series chronicling the awesomeness of Abe Lincoln. We hope you enjoy the hard work that we put into researching these historically important discoveries.

On Thursday, November 19th, 1863 Abraham Lincoln gave a historically important speech of slightly over 2 minutes. This was, of course, the 272 word (depending on the version)  Gettysberg Address. While we know that Lincoln was not a man of many words, until recently we didn't know that he was a man of many punches. Most people think that Teddy Roosevelt is the Resident President Bad-Ass. Our time intensive research has proved this assumption false and we have learned of the true bad-assery that was the man, the myth the legen-waitforit-dary President of Abraham Lincoln. 

Surprisingly we weren't able to uncover this truly wonderful trinket of knowledge, because of the secrecy of Abe Lincoln's favorite pasttime, Fight Club. It wasn't until the Brad Pitt/ Ed Norton hit came out in 1999 that we started to learn more about this secret underground society. Most of us were further blinded by the Founder's membership in the Freemasonry that we were unaware of the ultra secret Fight Club that had formed in the nations capital. 

We were able to uncover this nugget through a quote that Lincoln gave at a speech when he said:
'Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm and hit 'em in the f$%&ing mouth. BOOM!'
-Abraham Lincoln speaking at the  DC Fight Club Convention in 1864, below we've included an artistic rendering of Lincoln from the conference

While this society has gone largely unnoticed we were able to uncover many famous American's have been part of the Washington DC Presidential Fight Club, including Theodore 'Hit Like Bear' Roosevelt, Ernest Hemingway, Spiro Agnew, Charles  Guiteau, Dwight 'The Might' Eisenhower, Lyndon B. Johnson, Charlton 'Check out my Guns' Heston and many others. It is also rumoured that Tonya Harding may be the first woman to break the gender barrier. Many members are nervous of voting her in, because of her proficency in using weapons , such as crowbars. We also were able to ascertain that President Obama is being considered for membership as well. The main concern is that he is such a spindly and small man that he will get too bruised up and their secrecy will be lost because of his high profile. We, obviously, broke the story so don't be surprised to hear that he has joined up in the near future.

Anyways, enough with the wusses who followed after and back to who this article is about, Abraham 'Resident President Bad-Ass' Lincoln. After the 1864 convention we saw two major developments in the underground fight scene from Abe Lincoln. By 1865, he had pioneered the use of mixed martial arts and weapons. While these two developments can be seen in society today they have taken drastically different routes.

Mixed Martial Arts:

Lincoln gained quite the following due to his Muay Thai skills. Besides having arms of steel and abs of iron it was said that his shins had the strength of a Yoplait yogurt cup when you try and drop a 14lb bowling ball on it, industructible. In the following photo you can see how his Muay Thai revolutionized the fight scene. It went from being a small group to a monstorous crowd wanting to see how he would dispatch his enemy. 

We have seen this develop in today's society with the rise of Ultimate Fighting Championship. It wasn't Gracie Jiu-Jitsu that revolutionized the sport, but rather Abraham Lincoln Muay Thai that gave the thought to the Gracie Academy in the first place.
Lincoln's obsession with bigger and better weapons likely was influenced by the success of the North in the Civil War. He saw that the better equipped you were, the more you could kick ass. He decided to apply the same tactics to the DC Presidential Fight Club.

Lincoln actually got a lot of flack for this development and people gave him the nickname Steam Punk. This was derived from Lincoln's favorite move of tearing pipes off the wall to use in the fights. The steam that would come out of the pipe would distract his enemy and he was rightly called a 'punk' for his cheap moves. We have seen this play out in the WWF specifically. The World Wildlife Foundation consistently....sorry, the World Wrestling Federation consistently equips its wrestlers with chairs, tables, lights and much much more to shatter on the heads and bodys of others. 

While Lincoln had simple beginnings using his fists and superior height and stature to pound on his opponents, we saw him develop himself and the sport as he included other martial arts and weapons to not only increase the excitement, but lead for the sport to expand, grow and prosper in the future. If it weren't for his bad-ass-ness we certainly wouldn't have such wonderful things as UFC and WWF. Thanks for that Lincoln. Thanks.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Online Dating : Thomas Jefferson and George Washington GiveTwo Thumbs Up

People often complain that technology is “taking over our lives”, as if that were a novel statement of the 21st century. But technology has always been an integral part of the American life. How do you think the Founders got to America? Technology. How do you think they invented McDonalds? Technology. And how do you think they courted the ladies? Well, to give you a hint, it wasn’t with the “traditional” flowers and chocolate. Yes, the Founding Fathers tied down their Founding Mothers with the help of technology.

The only difference between how George wooed Martha and how Justin Bieber made Selena Gomez his ‘Baby’ is the speed of their technological flirting. Today you can virtually poke your crush in a matter of seconds on Facebook; but it once took John Adams 7 months to poke Abigail, as his poke traveled via a carrier pigeon that got lost during the harsh winter months. Upon its arrival at Abby’s residence, the pigeon literally poked her in the face with its beak and she responded by sending John a friend request, which he accepted 3 months later. They eventually upgraded their correspondence to full messages, until one day when John sent her a marriage request and they no longer needed technology to communicate their love.

Even a seemingly “traditional” man like George Washington admits he relied on technology to find love:

“Human happiness and eHarmony are inseparably connected.”
-George Washington, on how he met Martha, 1780

“Text messages, not words, are the true criterion of the attachment of lovers.”
-George Washington, on Life, Love and the Pursuit of Virtual Relationships, 1782

Despite our breadth of knowledge at Lost and Founders, it wasn’t until recently that we discovered these similarities in technological dating rituals throughout the years. It started when we uncovered what would be the precursor to an Instant Message conversation, between Thomas Jefferson and Martha Wayles, recorded on a piece of parchment:

TJ (22 Jan 1770): Hey
LilMartha48 (4 March 1770) Hi.
TJ (17 August 1770): What is up?
LilMartha48 (1 October 1770): n2mjwabastpr [we still have yet to decipher this acronym]
TJ (15 December 1770): Sweet
LilMartha48 (7 February 1771): How’s Monticello?
TJ (10 March 1771): Gr8. Want to see a pic?
LilMartha48 (14 May 1771): Sure
TJ (19 August 1771): Here...I drew it myself.
LilMartha48 (28 October 1771): Kool. Can’t w8 to c in person.
The Jefferson’s were married just two months later on January 1, 1772 - and to think it all started with this AIM-like conversation.

So if you’ve ever been one to complain about the supposed demise of traditional courtship, you’re not the only one. Even the Founding Fathers lamented the resort to technological communication in dating. But technology has always facilitated romance. The only thing that has changed is how quickly you can say Ok to Cupid.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Thomas Paine on the End of the World

In recent months doomsayers have begun proclaiming that they have again deduced the actual date that our time on this earth will come to a close. Despite all logical and spiritual evidence to the contrary, it has become a conspiratorially popular theory of late that TOMORROW is the end of the world. Yes, that's right - TOMORROW - May 21, 2011 = End of the World (supposedly).

This is indeed a weighty matter. Thankfully, it's also completely false, and we are happy to put any fears to rest so that you can all sleep soundly this weekend knowing that the world will absolutely still be there when you wake up. 

The truth of the matter is that the world WAS going to end on May 21, but it was going to be in the year 1987. How you ask? For that let's take a little trip through history back to a stormy summer night in the year 1774, to the private study of one Mr. Thomas Paine:

"Hell, like tyranny, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph." - Thomas Paine, May 03, 1774.

The now famously mis-quoted remark was actually an excerpt from an argument Paine had been having with Benjamin Franklin on that fateful night. Doctor Franklin had recently made a harrowing discovery that an alignment of the planets would in fact place Earth directly within the path of an orbiting asteroid, likely wiping out most of the planet's surface instantly as a result of the devastating collision. According to Franklin's research, the event would take place on the afternoon of May 21st, 1774, merely a few weeks away at the time of his discovery.

Though unfortunately most of Franklin's notes from this time period have since been lost, and those that remain have been made almost illegible due to his habit of drawing over his words with pictures of women's breasts, it is clear that Franklin and Paine worked furiously to prevent the disaster. It also appears that they ultimately succeeded with a plan engineered by Paine that the pair dubbed "Enormous Jubblies at Midnight" (clearly Franklin's nomenclature).

All we know about Paine's maneuver is as follows:

1) It somehow involved several lightning rods, a weather-beaten parasol, and a jug of rye whiskey.
2) It's success saved the world from certain disaster with exactly 2 seconds to spare.
3) The ripple effect shifted the planetary alignment enough that the two heroes were certain that at least during the next orbital rotation (which would occur 213 years later on May 21, 1987) the planet would again miss the path of the asteroid by a hair's breadth.

Below is a depiction of how the event might have looked from space:

As you can see, we are clearly safe. For now. And for that safety we once again owe thanks to the tireless efforts of our founding fathers, who managed even amidst the political turmoil of planning a revolution to protect not only their country but the entire world.

On a serious note, this means that all signs point to the asteroid tearing us a new one on May 21st, 2200 (which totally sounds like a plausible day for the world to end), unless the world's top scientists manage to get their hands on Enormous Jubblies at Midnight, which seems unlikely.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Liberty Smith!

Liberty Smith

Though our research rarely affords us the opportunity to see anything outside of our office or a few select congressional libraries, I had the pleasure last night of attending a play at the historic Ford's Theater in Washington, D.C - once made famous as the site where Lincoln was shot, and now home to numerous productions both entertaining and educational.

The theater's current production (running March 23 - May 21, 2011 - still not too late to catch a show) is a musical retelling of the early life of one of our nation's most unsung heroes, a man by the name of Liberty Smith. Though we here at Lost and Founders are generally in the business of providing as much historic detail as possible in our posts, I will for once avoid giving away too many "spoilers" in appreciation for the fine folks who have worked to make this program a reality.

I will say however that I am immensely pleased that someone is finally telling this true story. Creators Marc Madnick, Eric Cohen, Adam Abraham, and Michael Weiner have done an excellent job of bringing to life one of the real heroes of the American Revolution.

For readers not familiar with Mr. Smith's role in history - this unrivaled patriot was a child-hood friend of George Washington, even pursuing during his teenage years the same miss Martha Dandridge who eventually married Washington. As a spirit a revolution began to foment in the hearts of the then British colonists, Liberty's life story consistently found him fighting alongside and often influencing the actions of the men and women we now praise as American Founders. Little known facts about Liberty Smith include:

- He helped G.W chop down the infamous cherry tree when they were kids.
- He coined the phrase "No taxation without representation" that became an anthem for revolution.
- He was the inspiration for the illustrious The Sons of Liberty and their famous Boston Tea Party.
- He was the once-unnamed apprentice of Ben Franklin struck by lightning in the famous kite experiment.
- He played an integral role in helping Thomas Jefferson pen the Declaration of Independence.
- He once fought and defeated Benedict Arnold in a swordfight to save a damsel in distress.

The list goes on, but the truly inspiring characteristic of Liberty is that while his role in these formative years of our nation was obviously incredible, you will never read about him in a history book because he continually chose to remain behind the scenes, therefore sharing none of the glory of his peers. Indeed, Liberty Smith considered his duty to be for the sake of his country and not for his own fame, an ideal that we should all aspire to in this day and age. As such we are proud to finally see him recognized as a true American hero.

While we typically shy away from promoting anything in this blog, we do encourage readers in the DC area to attend one of the final showings of Liberty Smith at Ford's Theater and pay tribute to one of history's greats.  http://www.fordstheatre.org/event/liberty-smith

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

John Adams on the Origin of the Dougie

On a tragic note this week, rapper M-Bone of Cali Swag District was killed in a drive-by shooting. As fans of the group, our hearts go out to the family and friends. Cali Swag District is best known for their wildly successful hit "Teach Me How to Dougie" in which they popularized a dance based on an original number attributed to John Adams back in 1798. In effort to both pay tribute to the departed artist and maintain the overall message of this blog, we thought it fitting to provide some backstory to the origins of the Dougie as well as several other popular trends in dancing throughout the years.

The year was 1800. John Adams was in the middle of his term as the 2nd president of the new United States, and the burgeoning nation was in an uproar over the newest dance craze: The Johnny A. Yes, that you read that right, our 2nd president was a highly spirited dancer. The fascinating note however is that descriptions of the Johnny A indicate so many similarities to the Dougie dance that historians believe the Adams' version to have slowly changed over the years as it waned and then resurged in popularity, ultimately becoming a hip-hop sensation in 2011. Originally, "Johnny A" himself was known to perform his version at parties, congressional meetings, public addresses, and even once while posing for a portrait that we have reprinted below.

Of further interest is the fact that the Dougie is actually far from being the only popular number originated in some fashion by John "the dancing fiend" Adams. Others in the numerous list include:

The Electric Slide
The Macarena
The Stanky Leg
The Chicken Noodle Soup
The Chicken Dance
The Hokey Pokey
The Crip Walk
The Cupid Shuffle
The Puppet Master & His Marionette
The NSync "Bye Bye Bye" dance
The "Walk it Out"
The Train Dance

So next time you find yourself "out on the floor," remember to pour one out for the original homie, John Adams (1735 - 1826).

"Bring it back to the front then shake it off like this." - John Adams, "How to Johnny A," 1801.

Friday, May 13, 2011

George Washington the Domestic

Gen. George Washington - we known and love him as our first president and original founding father himself. Most of our records paint Washington as a war hero, political leader, and time-traveler. What most don't realize is that George was also quite the renaissance man and just as comfortable performing domestic tasks as he was leading troops into battle.

The New York Public Library recently released the original recipe for George Washington's home-brewed beer.   Simple but effective, we have already started enjoying our first test-batch around the office, and in the spirit of sharing thought this a good opportunity to release a few other helpful house-hold tips and recipes collected from Washington's early journals. Some may be more applicable than others depending on current social trends at the time of posting:

George Washington's Recipe for Small-Batch Beer (makes roughly 1500 beers)

Take a large Sifter full of Bran Hops to your Taste. - Boil these 3 hours. Then strain out 30 Gallons into a Cooler, put in 3 Gallons Molasses while the Beer is scalding hot or rather drain the molasses into the Cooler & strain the Beer on it while boiling Hot. Let this stand till it is little more than Blood warm. Then put in a quart of Yeast if the weather is very cold, cover it over with a Blanket & let it work in the Cooler 24 hours. Then put it into the Cask - leave the Bung[hole] open till it is almost done working - Bottle it that day Week it was Brewed.

George Washington's Recipe for Powdered Wigs

The noble gentleman always Powders his own Wig. Take a medium sack of Starch and pound with a Mallet until it is fine power. Mix in three stalks of Lavender, 1 Orris Root, and 3 Petals of Orange Flower until incorporated. The flowers will Provide a most pleasant scent in the presence of those with the womanly affliction. When applying Powder, use a dousing motion and beat against a Tree to remove excess.

George Washington's Recipe for Chopping Trees

Sharpen a Straight-edge hatchet with a fine piece of Flint. Choose a Tree with a Bark that flakes easily, such as a Cherry Tree. Take hatchet at an angle and swing into the Bark with a downward Swing. Once the tree has been chopped sufficiently, leave the Area and tell not a soul. If Questioned, do not lie but be Prepared to have people tell the story for pretty much the rest of your Life.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Edmund Burke Foretells the Downfall of Evil

Edmund Burke was a member of the British Parliament in the House of Commons. He was commonly remembered for his support of the American Revolution. While he was not actually a Founding Father, he was certainly one in spirit and philosophy. Tonight we hear just a snippet of how he foretold the end of evil.

Burke was an incredibly harsh critic of the French Revolution. Especially from 1793-1794 during the Reign of Terror. After thousands of deaths, including the King and the Queen one could only describe the scene as one of evil. In the words of Woody, 'somebody [had] poisoned the water hole'. There seemed to be no way for the French to recover from the death and destruction that was being caused. While Burke generally talked about conservative ideals and how national experiences led to the shaping of their institutions and customs. He also spoke of the presence of evil in our world and how it could easily be expelled.

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for google to do nothing."
-Edmund Burke, On the Importance of Strong Algorithms, 1795

While normally Google does nothing. It just sits there and waits for us to search, we would like to note that over the last couple of days they have been up to more than just nothing. They have been hosting the 2011 Developer Conference in San Francisco.

That's right folks, we can expect the end of evil after this conference. Google has already started work on thousands of apps that will seek and destroy evil. While most of these will look like games where the google bird bombs explode destroying evil pigs. Please know that the Droids that Google is employing all across the world are specifically designed and created to exterminate evil. It has only taken 215 years for Google to respond to Burke's calling, but we suppose one could say that end of evil is worth the wait.*

*We realize that you will be unable to find this post via Google search engines, because it combines the word Google and Evil so many times that their algorithm will have surely blacklisted it. That being said, we are quite certain that if you simply type 'Google' into the search bar of Bing that this will fly right to the top.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Seventh American President Hickory

Many of us remember 'Old Hickory' as the general that defeated the British in 1815 at the Battle of New Orleans. Others remember him for his huge wheels of cheese at the White House. Perhaps the most pertinent reason to remember the seventh President of the United States, at least right now, is for two facts:

1. His relation to Phil Jackson, Coach of the Los Angeles Lakers.
2. His prediction of the Lakers defeat to the Dallas Mavericks in the 2011 NBA Playoffs.

Many people are unaware of the fact that Andrew Jackson and Phil Jackson are related. It is well known that Phil Jackson tells stories of how he learned lessons from 'Old Hickory' when he was a kid. As someone from Deer Lodge, Montana many people assumed that Phil was simply referring to getting smacked with a small hickory branch. Well plausible, this is not true. Rather, Phil is referring to the family lessons that were passed down from Grandpappy to Pappy to son from 'Old Hickory' Andrew Jackson himself. Crucial nuggets like:

"We wanted to be aggressive and physical on defense."
-Andrew Jackson, On the Battle of Horseshoe Bend (1814)

"There are no necessary evils in a triangle offense."
-Andrew Jackson, On the Battle of New Orleans (1815)

Needless to say, we know that Phil Jackson took many of these lessons to heart even calling his unique offense the 'triangle offense'. Below you'll also notice just how similar they look


Perhaps even more important than the fact that Andrew Jackson and Phil Jackson are related is the fact that Andrew Jackson predicted the Lakers loss to the Dallas Mavericks. Many of you will remember when Andrew Jackson said the following about Texas:

"Texas having offered us the key to the safety of our country from all foreign intrigues and diplomacy, I say accept the key."
-Andrew Jackson, on why why should annex Texas

We all know that Old Hickory was President from 1829-1837. This, of course, is 8 years before Texas was finally annexed in 1845 by James K. Polk. Strange that Jackson would be so supportive of bringing in Texas, but we have to remember that he had a bet on the Dallas Mavericks sweeping the Lakers in the Conference Semi-Finals of the 2011 NBA Season.

"Van Buren don't forget to bet my entire life fortune on the 2011 Dallas Mavericks and Los Angeles Lakers Conference Semi-Finals. The Mavericks are going to take it in four. Tell Phil I'm sorry, but I'm sure he'll appreciate the inheritance."
-Andrew Jackson's last words, June 8th, 1845

The most specific piece of evidence that points to his knowledge of their victory is quite simply taken from this blog title. If you anagram 'Seventh American President Hickory' you come up with 'A Mavericks Hit Ends Incoherent Prey'. Many people would say that this is mere coincidence, but we here at Lost and Founders know this criticism to be false. Just look at the series 4-0 in favor of the Mavericks. Their 'hit' did exactly what Jackson said it would, it left the Phil Jackson and the Lakers incoherent. We, of course, are speechless because we are continuously surprised by the knowledge of the Founders.

Breaking News: We Got Him (again)


The United States of America and indeed the world at large have been buzzing since last week with the news that terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden was killed by U.S. Forces. As the details of the encounter continue to unfold, we here at Lost and Founders are proud to share some of the untold stories leading up to this historic moment.

Few people outside of Bin Laden's inner circle were aware that some years ago he had begun splitting his soul into several horcruxes that he scattered around the globe, in an attempt to allow himself to resurface should he ever face U.S retaliation for his crimes. Thanks to a joint-effort by the CIA, NSA, and the Ministry of Magic, the U.S. Military was able to covertly destroy all 5 horcruxes in the weeks leading up to the May 1st raid. Though most of the specifics of the operation are still classified and will likely remain so for quite some time, we have been granted the privilege to share the locations where each of the horcruxes was ultimately found and destroyed. 

Horcrux #1 (destroyed April 1, 2011) - The elite Auror Team 4 unit was dispatched by the Minister of Magic two days prior to uncovering and destroying the first horcrux. It was found in a conch shell left on a beach that Bin Laden had visited as a child. Upon first touching, a tremendous sandstorm erupted out of nowhere that stopped abruptly once the shell was smashed. According to the report the event "was pretty intense, like something out of the Scorpion King."

Horcrux #2 (destroyed April 7, 2011) - The 2nd horcrux turned out to have been inexplicably placed on the desk of Alexander Hamilton in the year 1788, in the form of a paperweight. After several stressful days, modern historians were able to determine that Hamilton destroyed the horcrux shortly after noticing it, because "I did not like the look of the thing. It held an ominous character not befitting an instrument which must bear the weight of weighty matters of government" (Editor's note: as usual we are seeing historic actions of the Founders making a critical impact on current events). 

Horcrux #3 (destroyed April 19th, 2011) - Bin Laden's lieutenants had carefully hidden this horcrux in a data file deep within the Sony Playstation Network. In a critical operation, CIA experts were able to break into the system and destroy the data file. The break-in was carefully disguised as a hacking attempt on PSN servers to get user information so that it would be overlooked by Sony and then quickly forgotten by the world at large once the story broke.


Horcrux #4 (destroyed sometime between April 22-April 25th, 2011) - Very little information has been released surrounding the 4th horcrux. All we know at this point is that it was NOT found in an ice creamery, and but that it WAS in the shape of a waffle cone. 

Horcrux #5 (destroyed April 30th, 2011) - This one shocked us as well - Donald Trump's hairpiece held the final horcrux. During the 2011 White House Correspondent's Dinner, President Obama along with the help of comedian Seth Meyers were able to destroy this final piece through the sheer delighted laughter of the audience while making numerous jokes about Trump's potential bid for the U.S. Presidency. Unbeknownst to Trump himself, by staying in his seat and accepting his ribbing with a characteristic straight-faced stare, he was actually helping to take down one the worlds most wanted terrorist. 

So there you have it - the story behind the story. Once again we'd like to take this opportunity to thank the brave men and women, both muggle and wizard, who put their lives on the line each day for the sake our safety and freedoms, including the freedom to post absurd stories on the internet for entertainment (not that this is one of those stories).

Sunday, May 8, 2011

The Founders on Mother's Day

In this post we look at the Founder's thoughts on mothers and how it differs drastically from that of the English. That being said, when you consider the times it's not hard to concieve of the American's wanting to be entirely different from the British. In 1796 George Washington said the following about his mother Mary Ball Washington:

"My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her."
-George Washington (picture of Mary Ball included below)

In stark contrast, King George III said the following of his mother Augusta of Saxe-Gotha-Altenburg, Princess of Wales:

"My mother was the most hideous woman any person has ever seen. All that I wish I were I owe to my mother not providing. I attribute all but one of my failures in this life and the next to lack of kingly education that she provided to me."
-King George III, First Sunday in May, 1795 (photo of Augusta, Princess of Wales included below)

Many of us wonder why King George III would say such terrible things. Surprisingly before the United States most states were terrible to their Mothers. It wasn't until George Washington that we see this monumentous swing in how they are viewed. Perhaps even more interesting are the political reasons that George Washington made such statements. When our nation was young we were striving to find ways to increase the number of immigrants to the country. One of the ways that George Washington and the other Founders thought we could increase the numbers was to be more caring and considerate of the mothers. Hopefully such actions would convinence women to come to the United States, the more we could convince the higher our birth rate, the higher birth rate would lead to greater population growth. Additionally, as more women immigrated to the US we would see a decline in the female popluation of other countries, this would in turn decrease their birth rate and popluation growth only compounding the amount that we moved forward. Quite an ingenious plan. Needless to say it worked, and that's why we are all here today. Thank you George Washington, but more importantly Thank you Mothers for birthing so many American citizens.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Formal Apology - Sorry Ken Cuccinelli...for the gypsies

Lost and Founders would like to apologize to Virginia's Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli. Mr. Cuccinelli recently tweeted 'How much would I give to be one of the 72 Virginans Osama is 'hanging out' with since Sunday?' We want to make our most sincere apologies, because, that's right, you heard it here first. On Sunday night we posted about 72 Virginans. We have since gone back and corrected our spelling error, but we really can't hold Ken accountable for failing to spell check after he copied information from our website.

That being said, we can hold Ken accountable for not being able to read. You will notice in the follow up post he says 'It seems some were confused by my earlier tweet. Read it closely:...72 Virginians... (Not a type, ie, people who live in Virginia...)'

We read it closely Ken. We started by reading it again. Then a third time. Then we got really close to our computer screens. We read it from there several times more and then we even made the font bigger. After our thorough and time consuming research we found the following. 

First Tweet: Virginans
Second Tweet: Virginians

Our question is this. Can you see the difference? We'll give you a hint. One of them has 9 letters and the other one has 10. We learned from 2nd grade  math class that 9 does not equal 10 just like we learned from 11th grade reading that Virginans does not equal Virginians.

This is not the first time that a politician has been 'Fooled' by tricky things like spelling, reading and/or geography. Then President George W. Bush delivered his famous 'Fool me once shame on...shame on you...cause you fooled me can't get fooled again' speech in which he discussed how tricksy the world can be. It wasn't until after Bush's groundbreaking speech that we learned from Borat Sagdiyev (Kazakhstan's sixth most famous man and a leading journalist from that state) that many of these fooling instances are likely caused by gypsies.

Keeping this in mind, we should instead be apologizing for the gypsies. We're sorry Ken, for the existence of gypsies in our world. We'll make sure to extract some tears and send you a protective ward. In return for our kindness and thoughtful gift we simply ask that you not subpoena our email communications with the Founding Fathers. It's not good for business if people realize that GW's, TJ and all the others aren't actually alive and sending us new quotes to use.


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Thank You Megan McArdle

When it comes to blogging we know the thoughts of the Founders.

"People believe anything they read on the internet if it fits their preconceived notions." 

-Thomas Jefferson, 1792, On his blog post entitled 'Taking Names and Kicking Ass - How to get others to read your shit'

"I concede to you, sir, in the commenting footrace."
-John Adams after a 1,776 comment war in which TJ would only respond to Adams' comments with the a simple 'I am Spartacus'

That being said the last several days have been less focused on the Founders and more focused on Osama Bin Laden. It's time to return to our roots, at least for a moment.

On May 2nd, 2011 at 6:23pm Megan McArdle published a shitty beautiful, poorly well thought out blog about Fake Quotations. She did not thoroughly researched the topic and made sure to not make haste in posting an article for The Atlantic on the interwebs for millions and millons of internet consumers to enjoy. As of right now there have been over 1,026 comments on the post as well as 135,000 recommendations on Facebook.

On May 3rd, 2011 at 10:13am she published as response to her first article discussing the origin or Anatomy of a Fake Quotation. Thankfully in this article she corrected her previous incorrect statements. Had she not made such corrections we, of course, would have been forced to leave the above paragraph unedited as well. Perhaps even more important is the fact that this second article has 339 comments and 35,000 recommendations on Facebook.

All we can say is Thank You Megan McArdle! You have proven exactly how hard it is for us here at Lost and Founders. Your first article had 3 times as much interest as your 2nd article. Due to the amount of research that you put into the first article (none, being the correct answer). That is almost like the following scenario:

We have a student, let's call her Megan. On Monday you give her a test. She scores 100% on the test. Then all of Monday night we force her to reflect on the test, think about how well she did and any mistakes that she could have made. Finally, Tuesday morning rolls around and we give her the same test. She writes a much more researched response including documentation about her thoughts and further explanation for why she believes such things. She, of course, scores a 33%. Truly amazing! We are dumbfounded at how someone could accomplish such feats without being hit in the head with a hammer, but I suppose in that sense Megan really hit the nail on the head with this article as she exemplifies the struggle to set the record straight.

The hysterical  historical research that we have so selfishly selflessly taken on is dedicated to finding the truth behind the quotes of our Four Fore Fathers. We don't take our job for granted and are constantly fighting off laughter skeptics as we attempt to provide the world with the real quotes, the real stories and none of the bullshit. Once a false quote is out there it takes hours of work, research, marketing, cajoling, facebook posting, tweeting, twittering (yes, those are two different things), typing, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking and lots of other stuff to correct the faults of those before us. But that's what we are here for to set the record straight.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Exclusive: Photographs of Navy SEAL Team #6

While we are generally more focused on historical times that have long since passed, we also acknowledge that the death of Osama Bin Laden is an incredibly historical moment. As such we sent our researchers into the field to get us more information about the mysterious Navy SEAL Team #6. MSNBC tried to cover the topic 'Inside the SEAL Team that doesn't Exist'

Nice try MSNBC, but we got the real scoop. We have attached photographs of the members of SEAL Team #6 complete with descriptions of their relevant jobs in the Bin Laden Operation. They are only five strong, but still they are five BAMFs...

In this photo you can see Flight Commander Colbert on his preferred 'bird'. While we have all read that one of the helicopters went down we have to remember that Lieutenant Colbert is used to flying high on the wings of an Eagle. He his especially known for his ability to dodge, dip, duck, dive and dodge the missiles of enemies.

While it hasn't been fully confirmed we have strong reason to believe that Jackson was the one who gave Bin Laden the killing blow. You'll notice in this photo he carries both a plasma gun and an *Executioners sword. President Obama determined that in instances where our enemies refuse capture that these are the preferred methods of striking the final blow. Interestingly he was also given the name of 'Justice' because if he gets the call to do a mission it is because he is the one that is supposed to 'give justice' to those that are deserving.

*We don't use the word executioners to suggest inhuame killings, but rather the opposite. As anyone could observe in Ancient Roman times through Gladiator or through Japanese Samurai's in The Last Samurai, swords are a means of a clean death. 

Her generally goes by Abolisher Abraham. In this specific photo you can see the document that he read to Bin Laden. The document he is holding is the terms of surrender for Bin Laden. Generally Abraham is known of delivering short and poignant addresses. We all know that Bin Laden didn't wait to listen to Abolisher Abraham and instead decided to fire back.

Judgement George is known for his 'double-fisting' of the all-powerful Desert Eagle. He is generally responsible for kicking down doors, kicking ass, taking names and clearing shit out. He was clearly the first one in the building and cleared the way for 'Giver of Justice Jackson' to finish the job.

Roosevelt has an incredibly important job. He has to raise the American flag while they go into operations. Many people would think this unnecessary, but you can tell from his belt buckle that this job is actually to be revered. Many people call his job the 'nuclear' option. His job his high risk at all times, he doesn't have time to defend himself and instead has to rely simply on the grace of Lady Liberty as he represents our nations colors.

We do want to ask of you to be careful with your distribution of the above information. We don't not in any way want to risk the safety of American operatives. That being said we think it is important to recognize the Americans who risked their lives and combat terrorism. We may never know everything that these men and women did but we do know that they are trying to make our world a safer place.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Virginian Founders on Osama Bin Laden

When Osama bin Laden died, he was met at the Pearly Gates by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!" Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose & shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you.....failed." James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin & said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!" Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane & snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence." The beatings & thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe & 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader. As Osama lay bleeding & in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept & said, "This is not what you promised me." The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?

In all seriousness though, thank you to our armed forces and the men and women who risk their lives every day to secure our liberty. This site and this day is for you!