"As we enjoy great advantages from the inventions of others, we should be glad of the opportunity provided to serve self-interest when Al Gore created the internet; and we should also thank Mark Zuckerburg and Jack Dorsey for creating Facebook and Twitter out of the kindness of their big hearts and not the thinness of their small wallets."
-Ben Franklin, Autobiography (1742)
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Exclusive: Photographs of Navy SEAL Team #6
While we are generally more focused on historical times that have long since passed, we also acknowledge that the death of Osama Bin Laden is an incredibly historical moment. As such we sent our researchers into the field to get us more information about the mysterious Navy SEAL Team #6. MSNBC tried to cover the topic 'Inside the SEAL Team that doesn't Exist'
Nice try MSNBC, but we got the real scoop. We have attached photographs of the members of SEAL Team #6 complete with descriptions of their relevant jobs in the Bin Laden Operation. They are only five strong, but still they are five BAMFs...
In this photo you can see Flight Commander Colbert on his preferred 'bird'. While we have all read that one of the helicopters went down we have to remember that Lieutenant Colbert is used to flying high on the wings of an Eagle. He his especially known for his ability to dodge, dip, duck, dive and dodge the missiles of enemies.
While it hasn't been fully confirmed we have strong reason to believe that Jackson was the one who gave Bin Laden the killing blow. You'll notice in this photo he carries both a plasma gun and an *Executioners sword. President Obama determined that in instances where our enemies refuse capture that these are the preferred methods of striking the final blow. Interestingly he was also given the name of 'Justice' because if he gets the call to do a mission it is because he is the one that is supposed to 'give justice' to those that are deserving.
*We don't use the word executioners to suggest inhuame killings, but rather the opposite. As anyone could observe in Ancient Roman times through Gladiator or through Japanese Samurai's in The Last Samurai, swords are a means of a clean death.
Her generally goes by Abolisher Abraham. In this specific photo you can see the document that he read to Bin Laden. The document he is holding is the terms of surrender for Bin Laden. Generally Abraham is known of delivering short and poignant addresses. We all know that Bin Laden didn't wait to listen to Abolisher Abraham and instead decided to fire back.
Judgement George is known for his 'double-fisting' of the all-powerful Desert Eagle. He is generally responsible for kicking down doors, kicking ass, taking names and clearing shit out. He was clearly the first one in the building and cleared the way for 'Giver of Justice Jackson' to finish the job.
Roosevelt has an incredibly important job. He has to raise the American flag while they go into operations. Many people would think this unnecessary, but you can tell from his belt buckle that this job is actually to be revered. Many people call his job the 'nuclear' option. His job his high risk at all times, he doesn't have time to defend himself and instead has to rely simply on the grace of Lady Liberty as he represents our nations colors.
We do want to ask of you to be careful with your distribution of the above information. We don't not in any way want to risk the safety of American operatives. That being said we think it is important to recognize the Americans who risked their lives and combat terrorism. We may never know everything that these men and women did but we do know that they are trying to make our world a safer place.