The United States of America and indeed the world at large have been buzzing since last week with the news that terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden was killed by U.S. Forces. As the details of the encounter continue to unfold, we here at Lost and Founders are proud to share some of the untold stories leading up to this historic moment.
Few people outside of Bin Laden's inner circle were aware that some years ago he had begun splitting his soul into several horcruxes that he scattered around the globe, in an attempt to allow himself to resurface should he ever face U.S retaliation for his crimes. Thanks to a joint-effort by the CIA, NSA, and the Ministry of Magic, the U.S. Military was able to covertly destroy all 5 horcruxes in the weeks leading up to the May 1st raid. Though most of the specifics of the operation are still classified and will likely remain so for quite some time, we have been granted the privilege to share the locations where each of the horcruxes was ultimately found and destroyed.
Horcrux #1 (destroyed April 1, 2011) - The elite Auror Team 4 unit was dispatched by the Minister of Magic two days prior to uncovering and destroying the first horcrux. It was found in a conch shell left on a beach that Bin Laden had visited as a child. Upon first touching, a tremendous sandstorm erupted out of nowhere that stopped abruptly once the shell was smashed. According to the report the event "was pretty intense, like something out of the Scorpion King."
Horcrux #2 (destroyed April 7, 2011) - The 2nd horcrux turned out to have been inexplicably placed on the desk of Alexander Hamilton in the year 1788, in the form of a paperweight. After several stressful days, modern historians were able to determine that Hamilton destroyed the horcrux shortly after noticing it, because "I did not like the look of the thing. It held an ominous character not befitting an instrument which must bear the weight of weighty matters of government" (Editor's note: as usual we are seeing historic actions of the Founders making a critical impact on current events).
Horcrux #3 (destroyed April 19th, 2011) - Bin Laden's lieutenants had carefully hidden this horcrux in a data file deep within the Sony Playstation Network. In a critical operation, CIA experts were able to break into the system and destroy the data file. The break-in was carefully disguised as a hacking attempt on PSN servers to get user information so that it would be overlooked by Sony and then quickly forgotten by the world at large once the story broke.
Horcrux #4 (destroyed sometime between April 22-April 25th, 2011) - Very little information has been released surrounding the 4th horcrux. All we know at this point is that it was NOT found in an ice creamery, and but that it WAS in the shape of a waffle cone.
Horcrux #5 (destroyed April 30th, 2011) - This one shocked us as well - Donald Trump's hairpiece held the final horcrux. During the 2011 White House Correspondent's Dinner, President Obama along with the help of comedian Seth Meyers were able to destroy this final piece through the sheer delighted laughter of the audience while making numerous jokes about Trump's potential bid for the U.S. Presidency. Unbeknownst to Trump himself, by staying in his seat and accepting his ribbing with a characteristic straight-faced stare, he was actually helping to take down one the worlds most wanted terrorist.
So there you have it - the story behind the story. Once again we'd like to take this opportunity to thank the brave men and women, both muggle and wizard, who put their lives on the line each day for the sake our safety and freedoms, including the freedom to post absurd stories on the internet for entertainment (not that this is one of those stories).