"As we enjoy great advantages from the inventions of others, we should be glad of the opportunity provided to serve self-interest when Al Gore created the internet; and we should also thank Mark Zuckerburg and Jack Dorsey for creating Facebook and Twitter out of the kindness of their big hearts and not the thinness of their small wallets."
-Ben Franklin, Autobiography (1742)

Monday, May 30, 2011

Abe Lincoln Day 1: Resident President Bad-Ass

Today starts a 5-day series chronicling the awesomeness of Abe Lincoln. We hope you enjoy the hard work that we put into researching these historically important discoveries.

On Thursday, November 19th, 1863 Abraham Lincoln gave a historically important speech of slightly over 2 minutes. This was, of course, the 272 word (depending on the version)  Gettysberg Address. While we know that Lincoln was not a man of many words, until recently we didn't know that he was a man of many punches. Most people think that Teddy Roosevelt is the Resident President Bad-Ass. Our time intensive research has proved this assumption false and we have learned of the true bad-assery that was the man, the myth the legen-waitforit-dary President of Abraham Lincoln. 

Surprisingly we weren't able to uncover this truly wonderful trinket of knowledge, because of the secrecy of Abe Lincoln's favorite pasttime, Fight Club. It wasn't until the Brad Pitt/ Ed Norton hit came out in 1999 that we started to learn more about this secret underground society. Most of us were further blinded by the Founder's membership in the Freemasonry that we were unaware of the ultra secret Fight Club that had formed in the nations capital. 

We were able to uncover this nugget through a quote that Lincoln gave at a speech when he said:
'Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm and hit 'em in the f$%&ing mouth. BOOM!'
-Abraham Lincoln speaking at the  DC Fight Club Convention in 1864, below we've included an artistic rendering of Lincoln from the conference

While this society has gone largely unnoticed we were able to uncover many famous American's have been part of the Washington DC Presidential Fight Club, including Theodore 'Hit Like Bear' Roosevelt, Ernest Hemingway, Spiro Agnew, Charles  Guiteau, Dwight 'The Might' Eisenhower, Lyndon B. Johnson, Charlton 'Check out my Guns' Heston and many others. It is also rumoured that Tonya Harding may be the first woman to break the gender barrier. Many members are nervous of voting her in, because of her proficency in using weapons , such as crowbars. We also were able to ascertain that President Obama is being considered for membership as well. The main concern is that he is such a spindly and small man that he will get too bruised up and their secrecy will be lost because of his high profile. We, obviously, broke the story so don't be surprised to hear that he has joined up in the near future.

Anyways, enough with the wusses who followed after and back to who this article is about, Abraham 'Resident President Bad-Ass' Lincoln. After the 1864 convention we saw two major developments in the underground fight scene from Abe Lincoln. By 1865, he had pioneered the use of mixed martial arts and weapons. While these two developments can be seen in society today they have taken drastically different routes.

Mixed Martial Arts:

Lincoln gained quite the following due to his Muay Thai skills. Besides having arms of steel and abs of iron it was said that his shins had the strength of a Yoplait yogurt cup when you try and drop a 14lb bowling ball on it, industructible. In the following photo you can see how his Muay Thai revolutionized the fight scene. It went from being a small group to a monstorous crowd wanting to see how he would dispatch his enemy. 

We have seen this develop in today's society with the rise of Ultimate Fighting Championship. It wasn't Gracie Jiu-Jitsu that revolutionized the sport, but rather Abraham Lincoln Muay Thai that gave the thought to the Gracie Academy in the first place.
Lincoln's obsession with bigger and better weapons likely was influenced by the success of the North in the Civil War. He saw that the better equipped you were, the more you could kick ass. He decided to apply the same tactics to the DC Presidential Fight Club.

Lincoln actually got a lot of flack for this development and people gave him the nickname Steam Punk. This was derived from Lincoln's favorite move of tearing pipes off the wall to use in the fights. The steam that would come out of the pipe would distract his enemy and he was rightly called a 'punk' for his cheap moves. We have seen this play out in the WWF specifically. The World Wildlife Foundation consistently....sorry, the World Wrestling Federation consistently equips its wrestlers with chairs, tables, lights and much much more to shatter on the heads and bodys of others. 

While Lincoln had simple beginnings using his fists and superior height and stature to pound on his opponents, we saw him develop himself and the sport as he included other martial arts and weapons to not only increase the excitement, but lead for the sport to expand, grow and prosper in the future. If it weren't for his bad-ass-ness we certainly wouldn't have such wonderful things as UFC and WWF. Thanks for that Lincoln. Thanks.

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